6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato