Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.