If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
oh my gosh!!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Nothing to do, you say?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo