[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.