8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
best first i’ve ever seen
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?