I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Jesus Christ lmao
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price