[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now