Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Had to try this trend 😊
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.