Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.