I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu