I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please