My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir