WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.