Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there