He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You Might Also Like
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Pigeon open mic night.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol