You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in