If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*