The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night