booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.