[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”