Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.