if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting