Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Feels like there should be a middle ground
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Möther may I have a snäck
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Customer is always right
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.