I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Life is a suicide mission.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.