[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her