[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.