Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.