An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
i will not be silenced
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’