4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???