My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!