Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
(True)
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look