Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.