HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.