[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Lmbo
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*