Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!