I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.