What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *