ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they鈥檙e miniature versions of you
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: I don鈥檛 know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Her: I鈥檇 love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I am a(n):
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.