A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You Might Also Like
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Lmbo
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes