I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.