People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.