You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes