if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
You Might Also Like
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
You better watch out
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.