“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
You Might Also Like
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I think I’ll stand
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date