‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely