I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.