I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You Might Also Like
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
a god among men
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog