There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.