Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
this is uni
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Safety first
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl