Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny